The Boogeyman
This evil entity has terrorized our children for decades by hiding
underneath their beds as they try to sleep. Your first task is to find
the elusive Boogeyman and expunge him from our society so our children
can sleep safely, with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads.
The Chupacabra
This creature, also known as the goat-sucker, is of Latin-American
origin. He preys on our livestock, upon which many of us rely for
sustenance, and kills them by draining them of blood. Your second task
is to slay this dreadful being and mount his head upon a plaque of
timber to be displayed in your home. If you complete this task you will
be given one hundred acres of farmland upon which to keep your own
livestock, free from the threat of the Chupacabra. Additionally, if you
wish to use your livestock for sacrificial purposes, we will provide you
with a team of attorneys and public relations managers whose duty it
will be to maintain your image and keep PETA from demonstrating on your
doorstep.
The Sasquatch
Another elusive and nocturnal creature, also known as Bigfoot,
inhabits the forested areas of North America. He isn’t known for
anything particularly devious or iniquitous but he once reportedly
cohabited with the Henderson family in the state of Washington. Your
third task is to provide irrefutable proof of his existence. You will be
provided with still cameras, video cameras, infrared cameras, tracking
devices, and a team of investigators to assist you with this task. If
you happen to capture him you will need to deliver him to the nearest
television studio to ready him for a barrage of interviews.
Sparkling Vampires
These entities have risen in popularity recently and our traditional
vampires are quite disturbed by this trend. Your fourth task is to find
them (they have most recently been spotted in northwest Washington
state) and take them to the lair of The Old Ones, where they will be
instructed on proper vampire behavior. Their hordes of fans will be
placated by your image team and their attentions redirected to a new
species of supernatural beings known as the Flock.
Zombies
We have been receiving weekly updates on the zombie infestation that
has all but obliterated the state of Georgia. Small factions of
survivors have been found in the heart of the Red Zone but we are unable
to reach them. For this task, we have procured the Cap of Invisibility,
with which you are already familiar, and an arsenal of
cranial-annihilating weaponry. You will be aided by Apollo the
far-shooter and his twin sister Artemis of the golden arrows. Your fifth
task is to eradicate this plague of the walking dead and transport them
to Hades.
Aliens
For your sixth task you will act as ambassador between Earth and all
other life-supporting worlds within our universe. You will need to
commandeer a spaceship (we suggest the Enterprise) and it may require
many years of travel. We need to establish a treaty with these beings in
order to protect the inhabitants of this planet and create peaceful
relations for trading purposes. You may assemble an away team of your
choosing to assist you in this endeavor.
The Time Lord
While you are traveling through the universe you should be on the
lookout for this individual. He was born nearly one thousand years ago
on the planet of Gallifrey and he goes by the name of The Doctor. He has
taken on many new faces over the years but you will know him by his
ship – a blue phone box known as the TARDIS. Transport him, unharmed,
and his TARDIS, undamaged, to me at my home. I am destined to become his
next traveling companion and I wish to join him as soon as possible.
For this task you will be rewarded with ten trips anywhere in space and
time.
Pennywise
He is a scary clown. No further explanation needed. Kill him. Kill him with fire.
